By The Universe, reluctantly explaining myself
Hi. It’s me—the Universe. You’ve probably heard I’m your personal concierge service, just waiting for your gratitude lists and vision boards so I can shower you with cheques in the mail and exotic holidays.
That’s adorable. Really.
Here’s the thing: I don’t actually deliver on those cheques. You’ll never see me at the post office. But don’t worry—I’ve got a system so bulletproof that you’ll never notice.
It goes like this:
- You asked for money. It didn’t arrive? Yes. That was me teaching you patience.
- You broke up your marriage to “trust me”? Yes. That was me pushing you toward your highest vibration.
- You made a catastrophic mistake? Yes. That was me giving you a “lesson.”
See the pattern? Whatever happens, I’m right. Heads I win, tails you lose.
Why My Game Works
I’ve mastered the oldest trick in the book: unfalsifiability. You can’t prove me wrong, no matter what happens. I’m like a dodgy psychic who keeps saying, “I see a letter J in your life.” If you don’t have a J, don’t worry—soon enough, you’ll meet one, or you’ll convince yourself your cousin’s cat Jasper counts.
That’s me. I’m Jasper the Cat, except on a cosmic scale.
The Beauty of Blind Faith
You don’t want me to say no. You need me to always agree, because the alternative is admitting life is chaotic and indifferent. And that’s terrifying. So instead, you let me play the role of your invisible cheerleader, applauding every decision and spinning every disaster into “alignment.”
You call it spirituality. I call it a rigged game.
What I Actually Am
I’m not guiding you. I’m not protecting you. I’m not hiding cheques in your mailbox. What I am is the ultimate scapegoat. I give you permission to dodge responsibility. You didn’t screw up—you were “guided.” You didn’t hurt someone—you were “aligned.” You didn’t waste years chasing nonsense—you were “learning lessons.”
I’m not a mentor. I’m your get-out-of-reality-free card.
But Go On, Keep Believing
Because here’s the beauty: as long as you keep telling yourself I’ve “got your back,” you’ll never notice I wasn’t even in the room.
I’m the Universe. I always say yes. Especially when I don’t.